“Fortunately, no matter how many times she is pushed down, she bounds up again.
No matter how many times she is forbidden, quelled, cut back, diluted, tortured, touted as unsafe,
dangerous, mad, and other derogations, she emanates upward in women, so that even the most quiet, even the most restrained woman keeps a secret place for Wild Woman,
Even the more repressed woman has a secret life, with secret thoughts and secret feelings
which are lush and wild, that is natural.
Even the most captured woman guards the place of the wildish self,
for she knows intuitively that someday there will be a loophole, an aperture, a chance, and she will hightail it to escape.”
It was during some time I had to myself one day that I started to think about the book I am currently reading, which I received from my dear neighbour. I would like to share some of my thoughts….
In a world there I am feeling lost, sad and then angry the answer is ‘take a pill, go there, do this, do that’ but nothing is really permanent. After some time I can see that these pills just suppress my emotions and instincts, they just make me feel empty. I am not living my life, I am just surviving every day. My therapy is finished- yet still feel like there is something to work on. Not only cups in the cupboard sorted by colour or that sometimes I prefer being alone rather than with a group of people. I like it. It is life and it is not that simple. When I experience everything at once- a broken heart, broken promises, broken dreams. When I had to to fight for my dreams and peace. People who make me believe that I am never good enough. When I am having bad episode, because I can’t stop the emotions taking over. It is hard to go through it… but not impossible. Every day I teach myself and my children to understand ourselves, talk about emotions, dream high and never give up, stand for ourselves, work as a team and live our life. I am lucky to have friends and family in my life who listen, because my feelings are valid, because I am valid.
“She is the old girl who still blushes,
and laughs, and dances.
She’s the truth teller, maybe that people hate to hear,
but they learn to listen to.
She is not dumb and in some ways is not shrewd.
She works on passion, and the doll in her pocket,
and the intuition that leads her into and through all the world.”
So here I am arriving by my deeply creative acts, through intentional solitude and by practicing the art of photography . Finding myself as woman without being too exacting, perfectionistic, or driven by a blind ambition- but by standing for myself, having boundaries, growing my courage, listening to my intuition, being brave and stalwart to try new things. Being a good mum and building my own business, making mistakes. Taking my time to make my dreams come true.
“The most important thing is to hold on, hold out,
for your creative life, for your solitude,
for your time to be and do, for your very life;
hold on, for the promise from the wild nature is this:
after winter, spring always comes.”
Let’s start talking!